The Unconscious and Devastating Attractions: Patterns Repeated
If you've been in several #relationships and have felt "unlucky-in-love" there might be more than just being "unlucky." If you've had more than one painful relationship that you've been in or are recovering from a painful divorce you may resonate with some of the points in this article. Have you noticed a particular pattern in your romances or attractions? There's something that draws you to that person so strongly, more than others? Maybe you've met a nice man or nice woman, but they just don't do it for you. There's no chemistry in those connections; in fact there's no connection for you there at all. It's the ones that leave you spiritually bankrupt and emotionally spent that seem to draw you in like a moth to a flame.
Most people don't wake up one day and think, 'hmm, I think I'll fall in love with someone who injures, abuses and abandons me,' but there are characteristics about them in the early part of meeting them that attracted you. The more intense the romantic chemistry is with a person, the more likely you are being attracted through an #unconscious programming within you, rather than a healthy conscious #awareness. This is especially true when you barely know them yet, and don't take the time to really get to know the person before getting heavily involved with them. That means, the relationship with that person consumes most of your life.
Let's look at a few things more closely.
- When you initially meet that person, it's love at first sight and the attraction is so intense. In your mind, you might start playing around with the words like they are your 'soul mate.' Perhaps you've even started to fantasize what a life with them would look like, even before you've spent any 1-2-1 time with them. Healthy attraction is unlikely the key at play here, rather it is a pull towards something familiar to you on an unconscious level. Those pulls are likely, 'codependency' and 'addiction to unhealthy relationships and substances.' You are drawn towards that person and they are drawn to you and the dance of unhealthy patterns begins to unfold back and forth between you. If you've been in a relationship like this before, chances are that it started off intensely, but burned off pretty quickly. That's a pretty strong indicator you're attractions are coming from a place of depravation.
- We feel strangely at ease and comfortable with the dysfunctional. That's often because the upbringing we had is often connected to forming our relationship patterns. So, if we find ourselves running from one abusive 'soulmate' to another, it's time to stop running and realize those answers aren't going to come from finding someone on the outside who makes you feel whole or trying to fix that person. That will be an endless pursuit that will only leave you feeling emptier and running towards another abusive relationship to find relief from the last one. What happens when we find ourselves deeply, seemingly irrevocably attracted to someone, chances are they likely awakened in you the familiar unconscious pattern in which they are able to enact that wounding authoritative figure in your life. It's time to look within you and your patterns of relating.
- Truthfully awaken. "You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free," taken out from John 8:32 and yet sometimes we don't learn this after the first painful relationship ends. What is the truth here? It's your pattern of relating that's broken, not finding a person to make you feel fixed. We grieve when the relationship ends, and try to find relief for it. Is it really the end of the relationship with that person you're grieving, more than it is about a lost sense of self in you? Somewhere along the way, you got stuck with the caretaking role as a child. You didn't get to be a child when you were a child. That can be a difficult truth to swallow. You became a "rescuer, a fixer, the responsible one." You had to "perform and strive" for love and acceptance. Perhaps a parent, whatever their reason, just was unavailable emotionally or physically due to their own unmet needs. They weren't ready to parent you, or didn't have the skill set to instill healthy boundaries and nurturing in you. It takes time to really come to grips with the truth, and looking at patterns that left you so deeply wounded with holes in your heart. The "inner child" got buried and frozen in those early stages and didn't have the chance to develop and flourish. You were in survival mode at that point on. Go slowly if you need to. Work it out in your own counseling, or group counseling. Reading information online or self-help books are helpful and can only take you so far. It will raise your awareness, but really when you've gotten so far and really want to heal further it's time to consider counseling for yourself.
- When we begin to work on facing things within ourselves, such as dysfunctional patterns, we begin to realize what kind of pulls and attractions we are "fishing" towards ourselves. When an abusive person come up on our radar, there's much clearer realization that this person is not good for us. You're no longer trying to work out a dysfunctional parent-child pattern any longer. As you allow your inner child to heal, develop and flourish, the better you are able to strengthen those boundaries and not allow abusive people into your life.
- Forgive, Reconcile and Restore Where you Can. Yes, it's a hard truth when we come to the realization that our caretaker(s) weren't there for us and we struggled to feel safe inside. Sometimes it even felt like they were out to get us. The truth is, whether it was intentional or not, you cannot give what you simply do not have in you. In giving those early caretakers the benefit of the doubt, if they neglected you, were unable to empathize with you chances are they didn't get that either in their upbringing. Trying to punish them or make them pay for what they did to you, will only keep you in the prison of your own making. It will poison every other relationship around you, and sour your outlook on life. True forgiveness doesn't excuse what they did to you, but rather, it frees you from the ugliness of bitterness and an unforgiving heart. Sometimes, true reconciliation isn't possible because those people do not know how to accept the boundaries you are now learning to set and continue to trample on you. Think of the above like this:
*Forgive = an act of choosing to cancel or let go of an offense for bad behavior, neglect, or whatever the situation might be.
*Reconciliation = restoration of the relationship to its previous state. Webster's Dictionary describes it as, the act of causing two people or groups to become friendly again after an argument or disagreement.
Again, sometimes reconciliation isn't possible because you've become healthier and the other party stays toxic. There is a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgiveness is a necessity to keep your soul clean. Reconciliation isn't always possible, but sought out when possible.
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